I was excited. My requests at the library came in. Three CD's of the band 'Genesis', Their first (made in '68), their best (in my humble opinion), and their last with Peter Gabriel as the their lead singer.
Of course I loved listening to all three and tried to get my wife who is a Peter Gabriel fan to share my enthusiasm. She did not but not because she did not like them but rather because she could not get to my level of appreciation which is somewhat comparable to a preteen's like of the Jonas brothers or the Twilight movie guy. I gotta have it.
Well, anyway, on the last CD of Genesis with Peter G., there is a mesmerizing song called 'Carpet Crawlers' whose chorus is "You got to get in to get out." And because I listened to that song only 10 times yesterday (with headphones on), it seems to be running through my mind. The beat, the rhythm, the words. And strangely enough, the chorus relates to what I went through (a process) yesterday.
The reiki session the previous night, moved or changed my own energy and in doing so, it brought up into my face a deep combination of hopelessness and despair that floored me. I knew these feelings weren't because of what is going on around me now but they were so strong that I could not feel any hope in living. Big time gloom and Doom. No matter what I tried, they persisted. Right up to and including our little writing meeting at Caribou. Then I began to understand what was going on. We were talking about positivity and treating people with unconditional positive regard. Something in me stirred when we talked about it but I am a slow learner.
Therefore I did not make my gloom busting recovery until, I was driving home discussing what we had just talked about in Caribou with my wife. And suddenly it hit me - all the pieces came together - the reiki seession had loosened up my energy and in doing so it brought to my attention some unresolved 'spiritual crap' which manifested as intense feelings of gloom and doom. These feelings were old feelings from many situations in the past, not just one. They felt very intense because I don't feel them anymore (because I have learned to love myself). But they were inside of me still because I had not let go of them despite feeling better about myself. In short they were dormant and needed to be resolved. The reiki energy brought this dormant crap to my attention (big time) and when I started talking about positivity, I started resolving this old bunch of ickiness.
Back in the bad old days, I felt down about myself and what I could do in the world. I adopted a semi-chronic notion that you survive life. Any good things are just fleeting. Yes, this does sound depressing but that was the way I was. My dreams were allowed to slip away into some twilight zone and I became very depressed. But somehow I was able to start seeing the good in life (meeting my wife helped greatly) and I slowly began to believe in myself and then I began to trust myself and then like and love came later. And I am beginning to live my dreams.
Love is positivity in its highest form. It is my belief that positivity is the cure to all depression - might not be right but that is what I think. SO I APPLIED POSITIVITY AND LOVE TO MY FEELINGS OF DOOM AND GLOOM and they went away. I don't think I have heard the last of them yet but I will be ready next time.
And then there is that song - you got to get in to get out - ringing through my head. And I realize that the words are for me - you have to get in(side yourself) to get (it, the crap) out - and I thank all my lucky stars that I have friends and helpers that aide me when I need them - somehow they got me this song tat this moment to remind me of the work still to be done.
Have to go now and listen to that song one more time,