Wednesday, December 31, 2008

JR - the Joyous Rebellion

joy - a feeling of great pleasure or happiness
rebellion - the action of resisting convention or control

A artist friend of mine was happy about being the artist of the month on a New Zealand website. She wrote on her blog that this was a really big thing to her - then she said that she didn't want to sound so full of herself but I say "Why Not ?"

Why temper yourself in a moment of joy ? Keep that feeling as long as you can. Don't be self-conscious at the cost of your happiness. This is a idea that just came to me -I can create a joyous rebellion inside of myself.
The rebellion is against the parts of me that say I have to be prim and proper - or just so appropriate at the expense of my joy. NO, I choose to let my Joy take over control of me ! I choose to be joyous for as long as I can no matter how goofy I look. I choose Joy over convention.

I am hoping that my joy can spread to others and that they too will choose to be joyous and that they can spread their joy to even more people and we can defeat the control and convention that tells us that we must be afraid or serious or somber. The world needs Joy more than anything else - so have a good time celebrating tonight and let your Joy flag fly.

Hoping you have a joyous holiday season and beyond,

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Freaky Friday on Tuesday( or was it monday)

I could have titled this reiki part two but to have two part twos in one week is so Hollywood. Instead I will call this stuff - the strange things that happen to me after I do reiki. Not casual reiki (ten or less minutes) but hours of reiki as I did last night (sunday night).
The previous time I did a lot of intense reiki was a couple of weeks ago and I am stil recovering from that - in fact I will never be the same (but that is a good thing because I think that I have gotten rid of some unwanted baggage that I was carrying aroung. Since then I have been in the moment so much - no moment stands out - they are all pack with potential and are all joyous. I might sound like Eckart Tolle but that is how I have been feeling.
The above picture is called the Dream Catcher. It looks like a spirit woman who catches dreams but I thought it would be good to put here because I will talk about dreams. (a little).
I was dreaming Sunday night about a higher entity talking to me - he/she said that I was doing good and that they (don't know who they are) were going to open my sixth or seven gate - I knew that had to do with the energy flowing through my body but somehow the dreaming me knew more - "Do you think I can handle this ?" I asked which was a dumb question because why would they give me something I cannot handle. but the spirit person answered "we'll find out." and if that wasn't ominous enough she added "either way if you burst into flames from the energy or not, you'll be with us." I was really happy for some reason - dreams don't translate well into the everyday world. But at that moment. . .
My wife woke up and was having a cramp in her leg (left calf) and woke me up - I rubbed it and gave her some water because cramps can come from dehydration. As I was rubbing it, I felt some strange energy (like how your foot feels when its alseep, numbing tingles) move up my arm. The energy seemed to be there for a couple of minutes but only as long as I was rubbing her calf.
Now last night I was dreaming that some angels were pulling crap out of me (not actual crap but icky things) and my side was hurting alot - I thought what did I eat ? and then I woke up feeling better and then. . . .
my left calf began to cramp - which was strange because I was not dehydarted and I did not exercise it much either - So I said " get out of my body because you don't belong here" (in my mind not out loud) and the cramp stopped.
So I am blaming it on the Reiki and trying to find some anchor point this morning - a grounding spot. So I thought I would write it down. I know people can't relate but I had to get it out of me.
What does it mean ? I have not a clue. But yesterday out of the clear blue sky, a thought came to me - write what you want to write - and I said yes, I will write what I want to write - and the result is this mishmosh.
Oh well until tomorrow,

Monday, December 29, 2008

A Little Lotta Reiki

This is a representation of the 7 major chakras of the human body

Last night, I went to a reiki gathering at the Center. I had to go because I was one of the dudes that was doing the Reiki on the others. We have been doing this for four months now on the last Sunday of each month. I have to admit my enthusiasm was waning. Originally, I thought this would be a way for me to get back into the practice of giving Reiki but petty squabbles as to how to run the show (of which I was part of) were taking its toll on me. I was not having fun which is something I have to have in order to do Reiki. For me, Reiki is the giving of Divine Energy to people through me ( I am the conduit not the Source). As such, it affects me when I give Reiki to others. (It changes me). If I am not in a light mood, I open myself up to all kinds of crap (which is attracted by my crap). Last night, I was in a good mood, so it was easy for me to do this two and a half hours non-stop. I felt wonderful throughout. But the battleground remains for control and I am contemplating ceasing my involvement in it. I still want to do it so I am ambivalent about the whole thing.
The second issue that comes up for me is what the energy does to (for) me. I feel that doing Reiki is a positive thing that alters my own energy in a positive way. But it can make a lot of crazy things happen in one's life. Crazy dreams and stuff. Sometimes I wonder if I have enough whatever to handle the situations that jump in front of me. I have to remind myself that I am never given something I can't handle.
The third point I am going to make is this - Even with reiki energy being sent to them, the Bears still managed to lose. (Sometimes I wonder what good is Reiki.)
Oh well, I am still a bit spacey from yesterday (mostly because sleeping after giving Reiki is a task - I have too much energy flowing through me to sleep so I stay awake most of the night).
Hope tomorrow is better,

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Grounding and other Principles of energy dispertion

The Principle is elementary - if you don't ground your electrical system, excess energy will shock or fry something (that shock can be a double shock as in I was shocked to see that my toaster fried or I was shocked to be shocked by my toaster.)
When handling electronics such as computers in the winter, one must be careful not to build up a static charge or zap goes the laptop. One grounds oneself by touching something metal( or another person) and thus dissipates the charge. The picture to the left is an actual grounding system obscured by leaves but the yellow rope serves as a guide to show where the system is. The principle of grounding is simple - STAY CONNECTED TO THE EARTH .
One could argue that the reason we are having global ecological trouble is due to the fact that humans think they are above the world (ungrounded). I think that might be true but that is not the focus of my little talk here.
My focus is meditation and the need for grounding before and after meditation. Since I don't know much about meditation other than my own experience - I know that my meditations are getting longer and going further and thus I sense a need for grounding. Some people use other people to ground them (not unlike a static shock) - I use coffee and the internet. But I sense that I need to ground myself to the earth itself more. Except that I am not sure how to do this. I am going to Google grounding to the earth procedures but I think that will get me a lot of electrical technical mumbo jumbo.
Okay, I am back with the earth-shattering news on how to ground yourself after deep meditation:
Why didn't I think of that. I guess I was too ungrounded.
I have just come up with another thought - the image of a parent grounding a teenager (or younger person) for their own good because ________(fill in blank). In this image, I see myself as the person being grounded (not allowed to do something) and I think that I might not want to ground myself to the earth and I think that I might want to get strange ideas and make them into stories or whatever.
So now I am stuck - to ground or not to ground. Do I want my feet on the ground or do I want to fly around (become flighty) in the creative ozone. I am not sure.
I guess I will leave it at that today - it is Sunday, a day of being ungrounded.

Happy end of a very long weekend,

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The pretender (part 2)

The following are the lyrics from Jackson Browne's The Pretender

Im going to rent myself a house
In the shade of the freeway
Im going to pack my lunch in the morning
And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around
Ill go on home and lay my body down
And when the morning light comes streaming in
Ill get up and do it again
Say it again

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening
Ive been aware of the time going by
They say in the end its the wink of an eye
And when the morning light comes streaming in
Youll get up and do it again

Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender
Where the sirens sing and the church bells ring
And the junk man pounds his fender
Where the veterans dream of the fight
Fast asleep at the traffic light
And the children solemnly wait
For the ice cream vendor
Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there

Ah the laughter of the lovers
As they run through the night
Leaving nothing for the others
But to choose off and fight
And tear at the world with all their might
While the ships bearing their dreams
Sail out of sight

Im going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And well fill in the missing colors
In each others paint-by-number dreams
And then well put out dark glasses on
And well make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
Well get up and do it again
Get it up again

Im going to be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender
Where the ads take aim and lay their claim
To the heart and the soul of the spender
And believe in whatever may lie
In those things that money can buy
Thought true love could have been a contender
Are you there?
Say a prayer for the pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender

I had originally thought this might be a good theme song for my pretend writer career but after looking at the words I thought this is perhaps the Anti-Theme song for my pretend career as a writer. The main character in the song has the blues because he gave up on his dreams and now lives his life as a pretender, pretending to care, pretending to have spirit, pretending to be alive.

Nope - not for me baby - this song gives me the blues just thinking about giving up on my dream of being a writer, zen master or writing zen master. I might be a happy idiot but I won't be an unhappy idiot. I have a dream of making people smile and think and maybe just maybe getting people to be better at living. Since that is my goal (at least one of them ) I think I have to keep the faith and keep moving in my pretend directions and sooner or later I will get there - I now I will.
I know this might sound silly and pretentious but you should check out my other blog -
Positively Frank
that is down right crazy.
Until tomorrow - keep writing and keep dreaming and keep pretending.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Real or Pretending

I was reading a book that talked about writing. Trust yourself, the book said. If you have doubt or feel like you can't overcome some obstacle - trust that you can find some way to deal with whatever jumps in your way.
I thought those words were appropriate not just for writing but life in general. Or my life in general - I think that I can become a writer but I too have my doubts.
"Am I pretending to be a writer ?" or am I truly a writer. I met a psychologist who was a very good motivator. He told me to:
Fake it till you make it. His name was Tim Schoor. What he meant was: pretend to be what you want to be - give it all the play energy you got AND one moment, some moment, you will realize your dream - You will become aware that you are what you pretended to be.
Kurt Vonnegut once wrote Be careful what you pretend to be - one day you will wake up and realize that is what you are.
So I am thinking that even if I have not written my best selling novel which will make people crave more - I will pretend to be a successful writer - I will pretend to write stories that markets will buy from me. I will visualize myself signing copies in the bookstore.
Who should I make this out to ?
To my best fan in the whole world,
Taomaster Frank

P.S. I am pretending to be a Tao master too.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Wish to You on this day


These are things I wish for you on this day - I don't have much time to blog so this is my little post, wish, and greeting all in one.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

What a Dream !

I knew was in dreamland yet the images I saw were so compelling I got lost in them. I will start from the beginning. Last night I listened to my kundalini guided meditation once again. I do this because it seems to be making positive changes in my life - I no longer bee-itch as much and I feel more connected to the earth. Last night I seemed to do the breathing part easier than before. I still felt good and I fell asleep instantly after finishing. And then I dreamed:
I was in hallway in a school, talking with some of friends of mine - they had just taken an exam and were lamenting on not having got certain answers right.
"I can't believe we got tested on the war," one boy was saying, "it was so short I didn't think there would be much on it. Man, was I wrong."
I tried to cheer him up.
"I haven't even taken the test yet." I said. " I've skipped it so far."
The scene shifted - I was in a open warehouse with a lot of other guys. We were all part of an army troop. Our sergeant was talking to us. He was telling us to be careful, that the people may seem nice but they are potential enemies. I looked at myself - I was carrying a large gun like a bazooka. I knew I was in Viet Nam (in dreams you just know stuff). I thought this was strange because I was never in the army and I never went to Viet Nam. My attention shifted back to the sergeant.
"It is kill or be killed." he said staring me in the face.
"No." I said, "I will not kill anybody." The scene shifted and I felt myself being just spirit - I knew I had passed the test. Light was flowing through me and it felt good. But I noticed that I had a hole in my spirit - a small rip - through which the light and energy was leaking out. I knew I needed to fix it. I asked for help and then I was in dreamland again.
I was in a nice building with lots of rooms and there was a ton of people. The people were doing things - craftsmen making intricate designs out of broken things. Other people were watching them. I told one guy that he was great and a little boy scolded me - Don't distract him, he is making that for me. I walked a little further and espied my mother-in-law (who is deceased). She was worried about her husband. "He is going to mess things up." she said. I caught sight of him on the other side of the room and I began to cry, so much so that I fell to the floor sobbing - at moment a dog came licked my face and I stopped and got up. I went up to my father-in-law and I saw that he was lost. He was looking for something from the past, I did not know what it was.
Then I saw a man working on an old bed, he was remaking it into a sparkling brand new bed.
He saw me and said: "This will be your new dream bed."
At this point I woke up. It was morning, time to rise and shine.
I wondered about the meaning of this dream - I am still trying to put it all together.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas Hermit, thats me

I like to be alone - I like the feel of no chaotic energy around, I don't hang out in malls. When I give gifts nowadays I give things that can be eaten, drank, or taken in to one's soul. That might make me cheap but it is my token - I want to only to give something especially picked out or made for a certain person.
I don't like my picture taken anymore but if someone wants one to remember me by that is okay. I don't have an pictures of myself around. I am content with how I am right now. I liked this picture because the hermit seems to be looking for something - what I am looking for is both within me and embedded in the world around me. Even in Christmas shoppers. I think the world would be a better place if we all could find more of it within ourselves.
I don't watch too much TV these days - too many commercials telling me that I need to buy stuff in order to make people happy - I like people but I treasure my time alone especially in this holiday season. People give me ideas and energy and love for things. I appreciate them, yet I still treasure my alone time, my anonymous life, Diane calls this - I call it where I want to be.
I googled Buddhist monks (how to be one) just to see if it was something I could do (never pass up a career opportunity I say) - turns out they want you to study the teachings of Buddha (a lot) - sounds like okay but I want to be free to study what comes to me even if it is the crowd of shoppers at the mall. I might find some piece of God's work there - waiting for me to find it. So I am moving through this holiday season as the hermit (or the chameleon in which case you will never notice me because I blend in). Either way I am the Seeker, looking for something invisible and untouchable that runs through the heart of everything.
I hope you find IT in this holiday season,

Monday, December 22, 2008

I don't know

Over the course of the last few days, I have attempted to change templates on my Writer's blog. I found out that there is many things you need to know about this especially if you stray from the wonderful templates that Blogger provides. I have to admit I gave into the dark side and decided that my blog would look so cool with a certain look. I picked out my look and found that it did not work.
Through much trial and error, I discovered that having an account on Photobucket would aid the process. I also found out that many 'widgets' are not transferable. Widgets are the little programs that make your pictures, lists, profile etc. show up. I spent hours looking through xml code and I will tell you it is no fun - until you figure it out. Then the light bulb goes off and you slap yourself on the forehead and say "Why didn't I figure that out before."
One of the characteristics of a challenge is having to learn how to deal with it. The challenge's strength (for me) is measured in what did I learn. In the challenge of the template change, I learned about how to do it and I learned that I have changed internally. I used to get frustrated easily, reaching a walking away point was something I could do quickly. This task was frustrating but I never reached the walking away point - I stayed calm the whole time.
Part of the secret of my calmness was medication - Just kidding!!
I was calm because I wanted to learn and I was open to the process of learning. The first step of learning is admitting, you don't know anything. This has been a hard one for me to learn but now that I have - I know that I still don't know much (even about myself).
I think somebody said this already - The wiser you get , the less you know.

I want to live life with an open mind and open heart - I think that means saying "I don't know" a lot more and adding "but I am willing to learn."
But I don't know if that is right.

Trying to be wisely uncertain,

Sunday, December 21, 2008

False Positive or am I happy Yet God ?

I was walking through the library two days ago, when I spotted a copy of "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting' by Lynn Grabhorn on CD. This was the first book I ever found about the Law of Attraction. I found it very insightful and one concept stood out.
Being Negatively Positive
or Being Negative when you think you are being positive. If it sounds complicated, that is what I thought when I first read it.( 'Huh, how can you be negative when you are being positive ?")
To explain, I will use my own self as an example.
First I will say a negative thought - I hate bitching.
Next I will make it a false positive thought - I don't hate bitching.
Notice that the phrase 'hate bitching' is in both thoughts thus there is a good deal of negativity in both statements. (I could argue that one is not as bad as the other but who cares because the focus of both statements is hating bitching - whether I like it or not I am focusing energy on hating bitching in both statements.) So I will try to shift the focus from hating bitching by saying:
I don't like it when people don't focus on positive things. (Yes, this is better but still has negative content - don't and don't - so let's try something better:
I like when people are positive. (Much better!)
Ms. Grabhorn contends that like attracts like AND what you focus your energy on COMES TO YOU. She also contends that actions speak louder than words - i.e. if you want positive people to come into your life - you need to be positive (especially to other people). She contends that
visualizing what you want is not as strong as feeling that the visualizing is coming true.
For example: I want to be a millionaire - so I visualize someone giving me a million dollars or I visualize looking at a bank statement and seeing seven figures to the left of the decimal point.
But even better than that (according to Lynn) is feeling what it might feel like getting or having that million dollars. I think that feeling (for me) is secure or safe, I would have enough money to do lots of things. The problem is - I think that it would be unbelievabvle if Ed McMahon came knocking on my door. I visualize the people on Home Edition (makeover) and I see myself there getting a new home (that was built in a week) saying - No F***ing Way, Oh man, No way.

Yes, the reason I do not have a million dollars or a new home is - my false positive attitude : I can't see it happening even though I would like it to happen. But I think that I can make it happen (and I think that is a step in the right direction.) Karma is pushing me to be more positive right now. So I think and I feel that being positive is just something you do - not a plan you can make. (and I plan on being positive and asking God to dump a lot of positive things on me). I welcome your positive comments.


check this link - Lynn Grabhorn

Saturday, December 20, 2008

You never know

One of the great problems of Capitalism is its periods of correction. The flow of Capitalism goes like this:
1) Economy is growing - times are good
2) Economy grows too far (things become worth more than they are worth truly)
3) Economy corrects itself (this is called Depression/and or Recession)

I guess we are on the brink of another correction - one that conjures up thoughts of the last official Depression. I was not alive then but my early childhood was chock full of my aunts, uncles and parents telling me stories about it.
One particular outcome of having lived through a time of very little was the habit of hoarding and no one was a better at it than my Dad.
My father filled his basement workroom shelves and also shelves in the garage with jars of . . . anything and everything (screws of all sizes, nails of all sizes, strange metal pieces that were once part of some contraption, springs, strings, spark plugs (used), rubber things (I am not sure what they were), . . if it came from a machine or could be bought at a hardware store - it was stored in a jar .
"You never know," my Dad would say, "you might need that someday."
Most of the stuff rusted and was never used and got in the way of finding something that would get used. (I forgot to mention that this stuff was not organized - just in jars of various sizes ranging from large canning jars to baby food jars. If it was glass - it got filled with various hunks of metal. He even saved dead batteries. "You never now."
I used to wonder why my Dad saved such obviously useless junk - he was not a mechanical man, he did not build things (not even a bird house) - he much better at destroying mechanical things and saving their parts in jars. (TV broke - so lets save those tubes and the wires - in jars) [He also had drawers that were stuffed beyond max and no one this side of the Hulk could open them. I never found out what was in them.]
But in the strange twists that the Karma path takes us, I think I found a use for his Hoard.
It is something I visualize inside of me when I am trying to deal with a persistent habit or trait that I no longer want as part of me. (Excessive bitching is a good example.) I think of it as a jar of rusty nails sitting on a shelf inside of me.
I ask myself: 'why am I holding onto this habit ? - why am I hoarding this crap ?
I then visualize doing the unthinkable (for my dad): throwing the jar away. A deep breath, inhale and visualize, exhale and throw the jar away. Strangely enough I find that this works.
Now I have to deal with recurring dream of my Dad rummaging through the garbage and exclaiming: "Look what I have found. Did you really want to throw this out ?"

I think that is enough for today.
Hope your correction goes well,

Friday, December 19, 2008

Stop me if you have heard this one

A few years back, there was a movement among Christians called:
What would Jesus do ?
It was supposed to inspire people to examine their routines and think about new and better ways to behave. I am not sure of what the movement accomplished but I still see WWJD bracelets at the dollar store - which is a sure sign that somebody thought this fad would sweep the country and was wrong.
So I thought maybe the concept needs to appeal to a broader audience (such as) WWJandBD - What would Jesus and Buddha do ? or perhaps what would Jesus, Our Lady of Guadeloupe and Buddha do ? (besides sell more letters on the bracelet).
I think that one thing they would do for sure (at least in my mind) is get out of politics.
Our Lady was big on praying, Buddha was big on meditating, and Jesus was big on both. I think that all three were HUGE on love and compassion and sharing. I think that Mary has somehow become the christian version of Kuan Yin - the loving female goddess. (I confess that despite being raised a good Catholic, I know next to nothing about Mary - she had Jesus, took him to the temple, lost him, and watched him die - that's it.) But Mary has been making more appearances around the globe than Jesus, Buddha, all other religious icons combined. It makes me think, perhaps I should dump the other guys and start a new movement:
What does Mary say ? The only problem being Mary is not too big among Protestants and they control the religious movements now (or so says FOX news). Would people get behind a new movement based on caring and compassion ?
I Hope so.
Good day to you and try to do what Mary would do,

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Holi-daze (do I give or do I get)

Tis the season for-giving and for-getting. I think that is what the founders of Christmas must have thought - mid winter is a good time for a festival, the birth of Christ is something to celebrate and if we can all make each other feel appreciated then super-duper.
Somewhere along the years, the third part became associated with gift giving. (i.e. Here is a small token of what you mean to me - gift is given). I think parents lavish gifts on their kids to see their appreciation - Wow Santa got me a ________. I still remember my nephews faces when they unwrapped a box of 25 match box cars - surprise and delight and can't wait to play with it all mixed together. I think everyone wants to feel that feeling at Christmas. I still do.

But I get confused about giving gifts especially to someone I hardly know or to people who seem to have nothing they need or want. "Just give me cash." my mother would say. My father would say "Give more cash than you gave her (my mother)." I once gave them scratch-off lotto tickets - mistake - they wanted winning scratch-off lotto tickets.

I am faced with having to get gifts for a couple of people this year whom I don't know what they want (for under XX dollars). [Yes, I guess there is a price limit on my token of appreciation] Such is the heresy of this holiday.

I want to fore-give everyone (not because of anything they did but because I am in a fore-giving mood) Fore-give is to give before and this is my pre- Christmas gift. I give to you all, my fellow companions on earth, my token of appreciation - which is this mention here, in my sacred place - I love you all and I hope your journey through this life brings you the gift of self-realization (you knowing and loving yourself).

Humble in Your Presence,

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Life is either too Short or My Journey too Long

I think that life is too short but I also think thank God. Granted there is not enough time to do all the neat stuff I want to do in this lifetime (is there hope for my novel ?), but I think I do have enough time to do certain things I HAVE TO DO.
Number one on that list is - Clearing out Karma.
I figure if something bothers me enough and constantly - it must be Karma.
Karma is the class you HAVE to take in order to graduate. It is the one taught by the toughest, meanest teacher (the one who loves to flunk people).
Right now - the topic in Karma class is : Bitching.
It bothers me - it bothers me when I do it (am I doing it now ?) and it really bothers me when I see others doing it. Especially on blogs. (Am I doing it again ?)
There is one thing I have noticed about my own bitching - it makes me feel righteous.
But it does not change anything about the situation that pissed me off in the first place.
So I have decided to accept bitching in others, even to love it because it probably helps ease the frustration of not being able to change the situation. Buddha says love the bad stuff (or at least appreciate its value). I know I can't and should not want to change others - that is part of their path.
But I have decided that I dislike bitching because I don't like what it does to me. It gives me a false sense of being right. I hope by honoring my bitching I will cease to do it. (Am I bitching about my bitching) - man, this Karma class is hard)
I declare "My Spirit Journeys" a bitch free zone (from now on). Life is too short to waste it Bitching or even bitching about Bitching.

I hope you have a good day (and nothing to bitch about),

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I have been doing a semi-meditation for the last few nights. I call it a semi-meditation because I do it with headphones and because I do get interrupted by outside noises (and people). But I feel that something is working because I feel results.
Results are an individual thing - that is my results will not be your results - so I won't talk about what has convinced me that something is happening - I will talk about two things:
1) every night I listen to the same CD playing the same track (where the guided meditation is) and for 4 straight nights - I have heard something different. I think I must zone out every now and then because I miss parts or I hear parts I must have missed on other nights. I wonder why. Perhaps, that part (the one I missed) was not important to me at the moment I missed it. Perhaps, I get a different lesson each night (determined by some internal part of me or by the greater me or by some teacher/guide). Perhaps, each day brings up something new to work on - Perhaps - Just a theory.
2) Last night after the meditation, I was feeling a lot of energy going through me but for once it was not bothersome (it felt more a part of me - like breathing). Despite this energy running through me, I was so relaxed that I fell asleep. I went into a half-sleep state and there in front of me was - a crow.
Smoking Crow, I will call him, told me that he did not like the picture of him in the previous post.
"Makes me look ridiculous." I argued with him.
"Isn't smoke a form of purification? " I asked. He nodded. "And so you are smoking to purify my heart."
"Well, if you put it that way," smoking Crow said, "I guess I did need a big cigarette to purify your heart 'cause it was full of . . ."
"Hey, don't get nasty."
"You started it!"
"You're the one who is too proud to look silly."
"So the pot is calling the kettle black ."
At that moment, a bright light came between us. In the middle of the light was a woman. I knew instantly this woman was Shakti (the female energy of the universe).
"Now boys, " she said in a soft sweet voice, "stop this bickering. Don't you know that you are each part of the other. Isn't it silly to argue with yourself ?" We nodded yes like little children being scolded by our mom.
"I want you two," she continued, "to thank each other."
"For what ?" asked smoking Crow. I was going to ask the same thing but Smoking Crow was faster than me.
"Don't you mean, " I asked, "to forgive each other." I was proud of myself because I thought of this before Smoking Crow.
"No," answered Shakti, "I want you to thank each other for being the way they are in your life. I want you to learn to appreciate every aspect of who you are at this moment. Thanking your adversaries is a good way to start. But don't thank them for one thing or another, just thank them for being the way they are, the total package."
"What's the difference ?" I asked.
"The difference is - you are putting conditions on your gratitude if you thank someone for something. I want you to thank someone with no conditions - total positive regard."
Her words sounded so true that I immediately thanked Smoking Crow. I almost thanked him for having my heart but I realized that would be conditional so I stopped myself and just thanked him. For being himself. I felt a neat feeling, a warm glow, come over me. It was good to thank people unconditionally.
I spent the next half hour conjuring up people, (George Bush, my neighbor, my neighbor's barky dog . . .) and thanking them. I felt good about it as if I was freeing up energy - they seemed to like it (some were surprised by my thanks) and I thought I might do this forever when I ran out of people,places and things to thank - and I fell asleep.
When I woke up, it was morning - I felt refreshed, except that my arms felt tired as if I had been hugging people for hours. Hmmmm, I wonder.

I thank you for being here today,

Monday, December 15, 2008

Things I really really really need to do

I thought that I would make a list of things that I need to do
1) Eat breakfast - a good start but then I remembered to that I need to make some coffee before that and then I thought I need to get out of bed first and then I thought that I need to wake up first and then I thought I need to stop dreaming first
And that is wher I put my foot down - I never want to stop dreaming
because that is who I am and what I do best - Dream.
I dream about today and how it could be and I dream about tomorrow - I rarely dream about yesterday. But I like to dream so I thought I would dream up a list of things I will do today.
1) eat breakfast - a wonderful breakfast of cold cereal - this is wonderful because I like cold cereal, especially cereal named special K - I think I must be special to be eating a cereal named special. I made some wonderfully hot coffee after I got out of my comfortable bed after I awoke from a deep relaxing sleep. And I never did stop dreaming my wonderful dream of life.

I dream of my day to come - of writing a wonderful post full of meaning and joy. I think that sounds like a good idea.
I dream of returning to my novel - now that I have a wonderful new direction to take it into. I can't wait to get typing. I dream of hitting the 20 K (another special K ?) mark in words. A milestone of focus. I dream of warmer weather and good things to come - a wondrous visit to the library. I have to pick up a new book on Shakti mantras - I think this is a good time for that because I have just learned about Shakti (the female energy of the universe) - I am going to tap into that energy in order to write (create new scenes and action). I know I can do it.
All this dreaming comes from a dream I had last night - a dream of letting go in which strangely enough I let go of all the things I thought I HAD to be doing, a dream in which I found my heart (a crow was using it as an ashtray - "About time you showed up, " said the crow, "I could not think of what else to do with this. I kept hoping you would come get it so I could finally give up smoking."
Unfortunately, the crow never told me how he came in possession of my heart nor did he tell me why he had to smoke or use my heart as an ashtray - neither did he tell me what he was smoking (cigarettes, cigars, tobacco, ?) I guess I have to dream up that.
But the important thing was that I got my heart back (although it was a bit dirty and full of ash) and now I realize that my to do list, like anything else I am going to do from now on - must be done with my heart (and my soul).
The universal sign of heart is a butt and my heart was full of butts - Do you think that means something metaphorical ?

Peace and heart and soul to you today,

Sunday, December 14, 2008

a New Day

Here is a little story I made in pictures - I hope you can read it. if you can't - click on the top picture and it will become larger.
Have a day to celebrate,

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Smoke, No Mirror

Sometimes I think I am looking in a mirror but a twist in perspective and voila, I realize I was lost in smoke. Illusionists have used smoke for centuries. The smoke distracts and distorts one's sense of reality
Yesterday, I thought I was facing myself but I was just lost in smoke (illusion). I thought I was stuck between two worlds but in retrospect I find that I am not (I only thought I was). I am much further into the 'next' world than I thought.
Yesterday, I was feeling down (depressed) as if I was hopeless and stuck - not knowing what to do next. So I wrote about it on this blog. And Starngely, that changed things. As soon as I wrote my post - I felt lighter and happier - as if I let go of something. As the day went along, I found that I was getting happier and more empowered.
Then last night it all came together.
Last night, I meditated using a CD I got from the library. It promised the user that marvelous things would happen because the CD was made using 'Brain Sync' (Brain Wave Therapy). I have heard such claims before and have not found marvelous results when I have tried them. But I tried this with an open mind. It was a very strange meditation - full of weird noises - at one point I thought the CD was stuck but it was not - oddly enough I thought the strange noises were pleasant (even when it seemed to be stuck) - I became very relaxed and peaceful.
When the CD ended, I laid still for awhile and thought of being stuck on the edge of two worlds - and my viewpoint shifted and I realized that I was not stuck between these worlds in any other way except mentally - my thoughts had put me in that place not my actions.

Suddenly, the smoke in my mind cleared and I saw myself in a different light. and I knew without a doubt who I really was. I also knew then that the process of the feeling down and lost, was necessary in order for me to seek a different view of myself - in order to know myself better. So take heart, you guys, sometimes feeling the blues is a necessary step on the path to something better.
I am hoping you have a joyful day without too much smoke and mirrors,
P.S. Sorry again for the bummer of a post yesterday.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Standing in Two Worlds (and getting nowhere)

The woman on the book cover was looking in the mirror. The name of the book is "Woman on the Edge of Two Worlds". She is facing changes in her body brought about by 'the change of life'.
I also feel as if I am changing in a major way. (Not the change of life - got no hot flashes) but I am beginning to think and act differently (so much so that even I notice it).
For example, I was watching a sit com on TV last night and I changed the channel because I thought the main character was acting selfish and rude to other people. I did not see the humor in it. In general I see TV less as entertainment and more as brain-numbing. Not too ago, I was a television addict. Has the quality of TV programs changed that much, no I think I have.
I am standing in two worlds now - and this is not a good place to be. I am not yet brave enough to let go of the old world (what I used to be) and become the new me. I am like the child who needs to take off the Band-aid but knows it will hurt. Instead of all at once, I am letting time pull it off and time pulls slow. I need to shed it but I am hesitating and procrastinating. I guess I am just a scaredy-cat.
I have gone through many transitions in my life - for some reason this one seems difficult - my feet are encased in mud and cement - I am seemingly paralyzed. Writing is a s struggle but it is also the way I measure my progress - so I keep writing everyday - hoping to work through things.
Sorry for the bummer of a post but I am being true to how I feel today.

Have a good weekend,

Thursday, December 11, 2008

At long last . . .Nothing

I started to write that I have nothing to write about but then it (the light) dawned on me. I could write about nothing and what that means to me.
The 'Nothing' I am writing about is 'Something to Do'. There is no thing I have to do (today) and then at the moment of realization, my wife come in and reminds me that there is something I have to do. So my illusion of being free to do nothing is shattered. Oh well. Laundry is something.

On Tuesday, I went to a friend's house to watch a movie (an old B &W Fellini movie with subtitles). The main character, a woman, meets a religious brother (a step below a priest) who tells her:
"I have nothing but I am happy." He goes on to tell her that he is happy because he has God in his heart.
For some reason, I wanted to be that brother. I could be happy with nothing or rather having nothing would not bother me if I was happy because as the old saying goes:
Happiness is Bliss.
So nothing to do is an illusion because I want to write this blog - it makes me happy. I don't really worry about how it will sound (read) - It (this blog) is a place where I can let my soul out.
And in doing so I think 'what about a picture ?' A picture would be nice here. So I get one that is not done but I am working on it. The picture wound up being in the front of the post but that is okay - I want to call this picture something but Nothing comes to mind. So I will go back to topic at hand - Nothing.
I had nothing yesterday for class - nothing written, no ideas about what to write, and no idea about what to say. But there was no problem in that. We talked and they read their essays for the last week (about winter was the suggestion) and then . . .
I got an idea - write about what you woulld do if you were supreme ruler of Christmas - if you could make any laws or be GOD for a day and make the world do something. People had no trouble writing about this - in fact they finished ahead of time. Lots of good ideas came from that. But the moral of my story here is - I had nothing and something came out of that (manifested). And it was what I needed.
So: I think it is easier to make something out of nothing (like most arguments),
than to try to hold on to things AND make something happen.
I have to finish now - I have to make something (laundry) happen because I have nothing (no clean clothes).
I wish You nothing today - I hope you can make something out of it,

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Key is - There is no Key


I love Kung Fu movies - at least ones that feature philosophy (or try to) - I can envision myself within one:
Kung Fu Master: "The answer you seek, grasshopper, is within yourself."
Impetuous Young Student (me): "That's nice, master but tell how to kick my enemies so that I can save the day and get the girl and return peace and harmony to the village. And make it snappy because the bad guys are coming."
Master: "Kicking the bad guys will not solve your problems. Your attitude will."
Student: "They are banging on the door."
Master: "Then keep the door locked for now until you learn about the key."
Student: "What are you talking about? Have you gone crazy ? The bad guys are here."
Master: "No, they are here." (He points to student's heart) "You have allowed them to manifest because you have refused to deal with them inside of yourself. The buffoons outside the door are nothing to me because they do not exist within me. That is the key you seek."
Student: "I beg of you - teach me Super Kung Fu move that will stop these guys and then I will seek the key within."
Master: "Very well - I only do this because this movie would be boring without action scenes. Here is Super Car Wash, Wax on, Wax off move."
Student goes out and wipes out bad guys becomes hero of village, marries girl and then some more bad guys show up at which point, he goes running back to Master. Master tries again to teach him but student only learns enough to get by (deal with situation at hand.)
Repeat over and over.
I must be getting old because I no longer want to run to the master everytime the bad guys show up. I want peace and harmony, so I will seek the key within - I realize that the key is there no key - there is only me and how I treat myself and how that reflects in the world. Do I abuse myself or do I love myself ? That is the question. Since that sounds like Shakesphere, I think I will end now.

Parting with sweet sorrow,
But loving this new day,

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Write Path

Knight of Pentacles Knight of Pentacles
in the Past position.

A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.

Hardworking young man with a traditional, orthodox outlook. Utility. An honest, responsible person. Solid progress. Methodical approach to large goals. Financial consultant. Commitment, perseverance, and stamina. A dependable man, if considered a little dull.

The keyword was tarot, that was what I typed into the Google machine and out popped several links - one of which was Llewellyn (renown occult name). The web site featured several tarot decks for sale and a free tarot reading using one of the decks (my choice). I had been searching for a book about tarot but I thought freee is free so why not.
The reading was horrible - I was stupid, delusional, lazy and evil. I deserved the bad things that were coming my way. I tried a different deck and got almost the same reading. In this one I was misguided not quite as stupid but evil and lazy. Four more readings with four more decks - and I came up with the conclusion that my mother was channeling into the website scolding me - So I gave up - I guess I was stupid for getting a reading online and lazy for not writing my novel and stories and all neat things I want to put on this blog. I guess I could be evil - someone might think or believe that (my wife for one) but I draw the line at delusional.
Perhaps, I am delusional thinking I could write a novel by Xmas - but as Frank Sinatra sang:
"I gotta be me, I gotta be free, I gotta be me."

I can only be who I am - Write now - that is what I believe in - Writing. I believe that my truth is coming out in my writing whether it be on this blog or on in my so-called novel. I have to believe that this is the path for me. To write as much and as often as I can.

Forget about Tarot. I want nothing to do with Tarot (at least until I get a reading that tells me what I want to hear - I am great, I smell great (I don't stink), I do lots of stuff (sometimes) and I am a loving soul.)
For me the Write path is about my own truth and my place in this universe. That is all I got.

I hope you find your right path too.

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Straightjacket of Christmas

Ah, the Holiday Season is upon us and if I had a nickel or even a penny for everytime someone has told me how stressed or depressed they were, I would have enough money to us all iPhones or iPod Touches.
"There's just so much to do." "I have to get presents for____" "The Parker's invited us over, so I have to bring something baked."
It also seems that every possible hand is extended by charities representing those in need. Give to _____ (twice). Even public television has a pledge drive or two.
All in the name of Holiday Things You Should DO.
How did it get this way ?
My sister likes to dream that the pre1960 years were simpler and easier times. She is half right (in my opinion) they were simpler times but they were not easier. There was just as much for adults to do then as now. Maybe more. I don't know for sure because I was a kid then. Being a kid meant one thing - waiting for Christmas (to see what we would get). That was easy.

Dads and Moms had to somehow get the stuff, wrap it, hide it and take us to family gatherings, church gatherings, neighborhood gatherings, etc... Each gathering involved bringing something, a jello mold or some side dish. Keep in mind that these were the days when nothing was instant. There were no microwaves. Calling someone on the phone was something you did at home.
So my point is : Christmas time was and is always filled with busy-ness.
I feel that the true difference today is that we are trying to do MORE things than they did in past times. Because of technology, we feel that we have more time and thus we want to do more. And we feel that HAVE TO DO MORE. Thus we stretched to our limits and we feel the effects of this.

Four years ago, I had almost nothing to do at Christmas. My extended family was gone and my friends had gone there own ways AND I wanted to be alone. That year, I went through holiday withdrawal - I felt dizzy and disoriented - I had to buy presents for ------ that was where I stopped myself. I had no one to buy gifts for. I had no one I HAD to get a gift for because they were getting me one. So I sat and watched all the other peop0le running around buying stuff and feeling jealous and left out.
Sometime later in that holiday season, I began to break out of my Holiday withdrawal. And in doing so I noticed something - I was free. Free to choose where and when I would go and what I would do - I had escaped the straight-jacket of Christmas obligations. I knew then that I had given myself the greatest Christmas gift ever - freedom.

So this Christmas season, when you complain about the stress of doing too much or about having not enough, drop a nickel in the Grinch Jar then send it to me and I will get us both iPods - if I have enough money that is and have enough time,

Ho Ho Ho,

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I'm Better than You-> IS THAT SO -> Let's fight 'cause I'm right

"Them's fightin' words." A phrase I heard in some movie or book (okay I didn't hear it in a book).

One of the toughest lessons for me to learn on my current path is the lesson of 'Spiritual Significance'.
At the base of this lesson, is someone (lets say me) who claims to have seen or done something 'Spiritual Significant'. I tell the world or just you, I have seen angels or talked to God or walked on water or that I can see your aura or heal your heart.

What I don't say, but what I imply, is that this 'something' I saw or can do , makes me better than you. (In the eyes of God, the ultimate parent and thus HE likes me better than you). You can have several reactions to my implication but I will zero in on two.

1) You call me a liar (because there is no way, God would like me better than you because you are way better than me)

2) You believe me (and you believe that I am better than you and you begin to worship me).

Both reactions would be the wrong thing to do (if taken by themselves but in the context of a soul's path, they might be the right thing to do at the time) but the greater issue (in the context of this essay) is my having implied that I was more 'Spiritually Significant' than you.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Each and every soul's path is unique - what might be significant to me - might be trivial to you. We are bosses of our own perception. Deep down, our base soul knows what is good for us and what is challenging for us. Indulging too much on anything (even dark chocolate) is not so good for us. A little bit of 'Spiritual Significance' is good for us - it helps me in my dark times (I think remember when I . . . and I think why would that have happened if God didn't think I was special). It is when I think I am more special than you that the trouble starts.

I thought I had learned this lesson (or at least had it under control) but lately I found there is a variation of this lesson that I still had to learn :
I encountered an individual who had a good heart and good intentions but this person could not stop telling me what a wonderful person they were and they could not stop telling me why.
'Can't they see what they are doing ? Pretending to be better than me ?' This person's behavior irritated me. All day long, I kept thinking of this person and getting mad.
So I stopped myself and began to think about why I felt the way I did. I came to the conclusion that I was doing reaction #1 (look up to the start of this article) and in doing so I was exposing my own 'Spiritual Significance' (I was better than this person,: How dare they say they are better than me - I know more about what they are talking about than they ever will - How dare they present themselves as an authority on this.)
Sad to say, I still feel this way. I want to be able to look at this person with love and to understand that it is their path to be this way now. But I don't. I want to jump into my astral plane, fly it over to them and punch them in noggin (to knock some sense into them of course).

So for now I am stuck feeling more better than them. But I'se be working on that, I'm a gonna git it right, git me's educated 'n be better.
than you

Hope you are feeling Spiritually Significant,

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Dream of Light

We were talking at our little writers table when someone (I know who but I won't say who) made a remark about myth.
She said "Myths are a good way to describe the indescribable." I agreed and added "Especially, if this indescribable thing is or involves yourself."
So in that spirit, I will tell the tale of a dream I once had, a mythic dream.

I was in a landscape utterly alien and yet I felt very much at home there. In the middle of a seemingly endless forest, dominated by huge tall trees. Unlike the usual forests of earth, there were bushes growing too and smaller trees because the large trees did not block the light - they created the light - a soft, warm green light. There were even large patches of flowers, with red, blue but mostly yellow, some white blooms.

I was lost. I didn't remember walking into these woods and so I did not know how to get out.
I was not upset or panicky about being lost, I was more curious about where I was and what a wondrous place this seemed to be. As I stepped into a flower patch, the flowers moved so that I could have a place to put my foot. I thought that was amazing. I bent down to look at the flower but something else caught my eye - something hiding behind a bush.
For some unknown reason, I said "You can come out, I won't hurt you." Maybe I was thinking of a cat or dog or even a deer. What came out shyly and cautiously was . . . Well - I will say this I had never seen one before - he was bluish with touches of green, furry yet at least half of his body was smooth like a polished stone. He moved towards me but kept a safe distance. He seemed to be sniffing the air as if he could sense me by doing that. Then he walked up to me, reached out, and touched me on the knee (he was only knee high to me). His touch felt warm and pleasant. I was wonderstruck with silence.

He then said, "Its okay." I thought he was talking to me and I was going to answer him because I thought 'Wow, he can talk.' Instead, I realized he was talking to his companions - I realized this because they came out of hiding - from behind every tree, bush, clump of flowers, and even down from the very large trees (I guess they had been among the branches). The largest was maybe waist or thigh high to me, the smallest fit easily in the palm of my hand. They were extremely colorful - I felt as if a paint store had come alive around me. And their shapes, well I will say this - no two were alike. Some looked like strange animals, some were geometric forms (one came up to me and hugged my leg - he was a red cube on top of a green pyramid on top of a blue globe (with legs)). They all had child like personalities, they were extremely happy to see me and they showed their excitement by running around, up and down the trees. and by jumping - everywhere, especially over me. I was getting dizzy watching them. But I loved being with them.

"Who are you ?" I asked. All at once they stopped and it seemed they all were looking at me. A whisper went among them - "He does not know us, He does not know who we are."
One of the largest of them came up to me, sniffed me and said "Its okay, he just needs some knowledge." This creature looked like a cross between a small deer and a fox. Ha also seemed old - older than the rest. He produced a green pyramid and placed it on top of my head. I felt something light set on my head.
"I have given you knowledge of us and a lot of other things." he said to me. The others were happy again and another whisper went among them "Now he knows who we are."
And surprisingly, I did know who they were - they were spirits and keepers of the earth - protectors of all living things - it was they who moved the flowers so that I could walk there.
The old one spoke to me again "Now you must go." and the landscape blurred into a dazzling array of light, I felt myself traveling through this light and then . . .

I woke up. Since that day, people who had known me before thought I seemed different. Even myself.

Now this may or may not have happened in this exact way. The real event was indescribable so I have myth-ized it into something easier to swallow or take in. Thank you Patty for your idea.

Happy Restful Weekend,

Friday, December 5, 2008

You got to get In, to get Out

I was excited. My requests at the library came in. Three CD's of the band 'Genesis', Their first (made in '68), their best (in my humble opinion), and their last with Peter Gabriel as the their lead singer.
Of course I loved listening to all three and tried to get my wife who is a Peter Gabriel fan to share my enthusiasm. She did not but not because she did not like them but rather because she could not get to my level of appreciation which is somewhat comparable to a preteen's like of the Jonas brothers or the Twilight movie guy. I gotta have it.
Well, anyway, on the last CD of Genesis with Peter G., there is a mesmerizing song called 'Carpet Crawlers' whose chorus is "You got to get in to get out." And because I listened to that song only 10 times yesterday (with headphones on), it seems to be running through my mind. The beat, the rhythm, the words. And strangely enough, the chorus relates to what I went through (a process) yesterday.
The reiki session the previous night, moved or changed my own energy and in doing so, it brought up into my face a deep combination of hopelessness and despair that floored me. I knew these feelings weren't because of what is going on around me now but they were so strong that I could not feel any hope in living. Big time gloom and Doom. No matter what I tried, they persisted. Right up to and including our little writing meeting at Caribou. Then I began to understand what was going on. We were talking about positivity and treating people with unconditional positive regard. Something in me stirred when we talked about it but I am a slow learner.
Therefore I did not make my gloom busting recovery until, I was driving home discussing what we had just talked about in Caribou with my wife. And suddenly it hit me - all the pieces came together - the reiki seession had loosened up my energy and in doing so it brought to my attention some unresolved 'spiritual crap' which manifested as intense feelings of gloom and doom. These feelings were old feelings from many situations in the past, not just one. They felt very intense because I don't feel them anymore (because I have learned to love myself). But they were inside of me still because I had not let go of them despite feeling better about myself. In short they were dormant and needed to be resolved. The reiki energy brought this dormant crap to my attention (big time) and when I started talking about positivity, I started resolving this old bunch of ickiness.
Back in the bad old days, I felt down about myself and what I could do in the world. I adopted a semi-chronic notion that you survive life. Any good things are just fleeting. Yes, this does sound depressing but that was the way I was. My dreams were allowed to slip away into some twilight zone and I became very depressed. But somehow I was able to start seeing the good in life (meeting my wife helped greatly) and I slowly began to believe in myself and then I began to trust myself and then like and love came later. And I am beginning to live my dreams.

Love is positivity in its highest form. It is my belief that positivity is the cure to all depression - might not be right but that is what I think. SO I APPLIED POSITIVITY AND LOVE TO MY FEELINGS OF DOOM AND GLOOM and they went away. I don't think I have heard the last of them yet but I will be ready next time.
And then there is that song - you got to get in to get out - ringing through my head. And I realize that the words are for me - you have to get in(side yourself) to get (it, the crap) out - and I thank all my lucky stars that I have friends and helpers that aide me when I need them - somehow they got me this song tat this moment to remind me of the work still to be done.

Have to go now and listen to that song one more time,

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Spirit Flowing

This is a story I wrote yesterday for writing class and today I added to it. I thought it belonged here on this blog.


“Listen,” he said, “you can hear spirit flowing.”
I, of course, could hear nothing, but that is why I was here. I wanted to learn about nature, the world, my place in the world, love, spirituality and him. I wanted to know what made him - him. He was everything I wanted to be, blissful, loving and complete within himself. Confident to the max in whatever he did, even in his mistakes. He radiated something, I will call it good vibes, that drew people in and yet he also had an aloofness to anyone and everyone. No one could be his disciple, he claimed because he was not a teacher, a savior, or a holyman.
“I am just me,” he said often, “whatever that means.”
I was here with him walking down the sidewalk of the big city, listening to cars passing, people chatting on their cell phones, and other various elements of the din around us, trying to hear the unhearable - spirit flowing. I wanted to ask him what it sounded like but I knew he would just look at me funny and say something like -- ’ it is all around you and you claim you cannot hear it. How amusing.’
“What does it sound like ?” I asked anyway letting my curiosity win out over my vanity. He looked into my face and said:
“It sounds like two seekers walking on the sidewalk of a big city listening.”
I have to admit I did not expect him to say that. Before I could ask another stupid question, he put a finger to his lips and sssshhhhed me.
“Spirit moves in everything but sometimes spirit seeks the seekers who try to listen for it.” His eyes scanned the world in front of him as if he was seeing something strange. “Something is about to happen.To us. Something big. I think we should pretend we don’t know it is coming.”
I could not help myself. I had to ask a stupid question. “How do we do that ?”
“Its easy,” he replied, “we just talk and listen to each other and pretend that we can hear or see spirit with our eyes and ears. It is with our inner eyes and ears that we can sense spirit.”
He slapped himself on the forehead as if he had just thought of something obvious. “That’s it. That is why you thought you could not hear spirit as it flowed. You were trying to do it with your ears. That is why you thought less of yourself because you thought you couldn’t do it.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s right.” I said still unsure of myself. “Um, what does spirit feel like ?”
I asked thinking ‘oh man did I just ask another stupid question. What is wrong with me ?’
“I think you are about to find.” he said and then he smiled a huge smile and hugged me. “I think I am jealous of what you are about to feel.”
I looked at him strangely. Crazy thoughts ran amok in my mind. Was he going to do something to me, some voodoo or hypnotism thing or magic spell on me ? Did I trust him ? Fear and panic began to seem into me and then I just said STOP. To myself, of course. I was ready to give myself an internal lecture on how crazy it was to think bad thoughts about him but then I realized I did not have to. I had gone quiet - my internal noise had ceased including my lecturing voice and my stop voice and my low self-esteem voice and my panic voice and my fear voice.
I was quiet. And that is when I felt something stupendous rush up to me and sweep me away in its wake.
The world I called real melted away and instead I saw strands, glowing strands, luminous amber threads, which wove into patterns and these patterns were everywhere and everything. Strangely enough some of these patterns were moving and equally strange, the threads themselves, seemed to be flowing in and out of the patterns. When one of the pattterns came near me, I knew its name was ‘dog’ and at that instance I realized I was still here on earth - I was seeing spirit flow through everything. I realized that the threads were alive, more alive than the patterns they formed. I was awestruck.
At that moment, the patterns and the threads faded and I was alone in darkness. I saw a very bright bluish white cloud and I wanted to go to that cloud. And then I was inside the cloud. I felt a tremendous loving presence all around. I had no mouth so could not talk and I had no mind so I could not think but I felt inquisitive. I felt a question come forth from me - “Are you God ?” I asked the cloud.
“No.” laughed the cloud lovingly. “I am you.”
I felt confused. ‘If I am you then how come I can’t feel this whole cloud. How can I seem to be separate from you ?”
The cloud laughed again. “The ‘you’, you feel you are is only a part of me. There is more of me than you.” I felt more confused than ever but I also felt at peace, taking in the love I felt all around me, allowing it to slake some unknown thirst - a thirst I felt in my heart. The cloud continued, “Don’t worry, it will take you time to understand what you feel now but in time you will.”
I felt a new sensation inside of myself, as if a seed of this cloud was planting itself in me. It was wonderful. I glowed. I wanted to be there - in this moment - forever. For a long time, I can not say how long, I was there in that moment, then I wondered about the real world - how my friend was doing, what he was doing, was I appearing strange to him like a frozen statue. I hoped I was not. And in that moment of wondering, I felt myself moving away from the cloud.
NO. I would not accept that. I want to be with the cloud. I want to be with the greater ME. These feelings were so strong that I found myself back in the cloud. Ahh, home again.
Still, I wonder what he is doing ?
Before I could say ‘no’ again, I was back in my body sitting on a park bench. My friend was looking at me smiling. I started to tell him what I had just experienced but he shushed me again.
“Keep quite and let it soak into your being,” he said, “then you will remember this day for the rest of your life.”
He was right. I still do. And it still makes me smile a huge smile.

The Healer needs Healing (or something)

Last night, we did something many people during the holidays, visit friends. But the reason we were out on a cold snowy night, was not to just chit-chat (which we did) or to eat snacks (which we did) - we were there to perform Reiki on someone. I actually did energy healing and not Reiki last night but everyone else was doing Reiki so for the purpose of clarity I will say I did reiki.

But the real issue for me was not the naming of what we did, rather the issue I am still dealing with is what the healing did to me. The target of our healing efforts was someone with a major dis-ease. (Yes, I delibrately misspelled that). And because of that I worked with more energy going through me than I ever have before (in this lifetime at least). I realized this in the process of the healing session - the energy flowing through me was hitting my stuff (emotional, mental blocks) as it tried to go through me. So in effect, as I was healing someone I was being healed.

Except I was not laying down relaxing, I was standing up consciously projecting energy at the person being healed. I had to release several unknown things so don't ask me what they were 'cause I don't know. All I know was I was swept away by the energy and yet I was not. I had to focus a ton of effort into doing what I was doing which is unusual for me in a healing session. I am not sure how long we went - maybe an hour and half maybe 2 hours - but by the end I felt strange - mellow and calm and physically good but something had been changed in me and my ego self was working to figure out what it was AND pretend that nothing had changed.
So that left some part of me wondering: what did we just do ? Did it do anything ? Do I have to eat this dip ? Eventually, the dip was consumed by the roving cat and the roving dog had some of the popcorn. All were happy and we went home.

And then I dreamed - I was somewhere with nothing around me. Someone showed me a brass jar whose lid had been sealed some way (solder? welding?). The lid had been broken open. The person showing me this (I did not see them in this dream) said a demon had been sealed inside this jar but was leaking out. They asked if we should seal it back again. I said no, we should remove it altogether. I then raised my hands, palms out and sent a whitish light to the brass jar which lifted off the other person's hand (this was as much of this person as I saw), up into the air where it entered a beam of whitish light coming down and disappeared. Then I woke up.

The dream had been crystal clear and I still remember it. But what does it mean ? If there was a 'demon' did it come from me or the person being healed or the cat ? If it came from me am I going to be a nicer person from now on ? I guess I'll wait and see. In the meantime I feel tired and achey now as if I went through the wringer (a reference to washing mashines of yore).

Reiki, peace and Love to you -

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Is it the Spiral of Life that makes me feel Dizzy other day for a reason known only to my subconscious, I decided to Google (when did google become a verb) the phrase 'Tree of Life'. The response was not what I expected - there were several companies called tree of life mostly green small businesses, a christian book or two and a blog about grandmothers. There was also a wikipedia entry detailing various forms of the tree of life in numerous religions both modern and anceint. The Christian/Hebrew tree of life is the one I was seeking. There is a representation of it to the top of this article. (I found this when I googled 'kabbalah tree 0f life')

According to the Hebrew tradition, the tree of life represents (among other things) the path to God. We, of course, exist at the top of the tree (in Malkuth #10). God exists everywhere of course but Gods domain is just above #1. How one moves from bottom to top is as unique as the individual. One can move in a spiral fashion because this model is two dimensional and the tree is really three (at least) dimensional. One can move in a linear fashion but since one has to touch all the bases so to speak, this does not work so good.
I believe that my own approach is more of a pinball effect, bouncing from one node to another, with an occasional tilting thrown in and also with the occasional TILT light being lit which means the universe does not allow you to cheat yourself of these experiences and you have to start over.
Since I believe in reincarnation, I also believe that each life we live gives us something more in experience points for our journey upward the tree and that when we have accumulated enough points, we get a free game - no that's not right - I think we get to get out of this maze or spiral or celestial game of pinball, simply because we will have proven that we are masters of this puzzle and it no longer challenges us. BUT I reserve the right to be wrong.
This is my theory of Life, which comes complete with visual aides (so far). I think the hard part of life is that we are being bounced around so much (at least I feel I am) we tend to forget that we are making progress (accumulating points) and eventually we will be done.
I am just hoping I don't tilt the damn game again.

Wishing you a joyous Hump day,
P.S. Here is a link to a lot of neat representations of Tree of Life - click below
Tree of Life images

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Real Me (or Who do I think I am at this point in time)

Its time to drop all facades and let the real me out. That is the conclusion, I came to last night after I had yet another SO You Think You're a Guru moments. This is the path of logic that I followed:
I always was spiritual when I was a kid but in an effort to fit in I became the chameleon - changing my appearance to fit my surroundings. Then when I found that my chameleon act did work and I did fit in, I made the misstep of thinking it was my act, my facade, that people accepted and not me. And then I made the worse misstep of believing my own act - I thought I was who I was pretending to be. And as the years passed by, I discovered that inside I was displeased with myself because I was not being my true self (except that I focused on the displeasure part and not so much on the not being me part which meant I spent a lot of time and trouble trying to fix the wrong part). And now I am spending time and effort, trying to be who I really am. (the effort comes in weeding out the overgrown patch of chameleon weeds, the ones that pretend to be something else).

So now comes the part where I need to say who I am and then I can determine if this statement is real me or not real me.
1) I like to write [Not real me Because I Love to write]
2) I can't get enough stuff (thoughts, ideas, paths taken, prayers) from true spiritual seekers
[my rule of thumb on how I determine if someone is false or true spiritual seeker - how hard is this person trying to make me their follower] ***this is true me****
3) I am willing to go to hell and back to aid someone(who asks for my help) ***true me***
4) I like to talk to 'invisible helpers' (I use that term because I think that the term 'angels' brings about many, many misconceptions such as blonde haired men and women with feathery wings - the angels I have seen in dreams are beings of energy not feathers - for some strange reason this bugs me) ***true me***
5) I like chocolate (70 % or higher) and coffee - I don't know about this one - I could be, gasp, fooling myself about the coffee. but in general objeccts or things are outside of me and do not show who I am, do they ?
6) I like making lists - not me - I think lists are boring. Opps, I guess I am catering to others if I am worried about being boring.
7) I like to preach - sadly that is real me (one of the things I would like to change because when I preach I tend not to listen and then I lose all the neat stuff others are saying and doing.
8) There is no number eight - just filler here
9) I try to make myself look important by writing bigger lists (not me and is me)
10) I want to be real again and spiritual (I think this is one and the same AND I truly feel this is the real me)

That is all I can think of for now. I guess I'll deal with this stuff as it comes up and as I notice it.

Love yourself because you are like me - a wonder of God,

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Fish and His Water

I hate to sound like a broken record but last night I woke up in the middle of the night and found I could not get back to sleep, so I did what I usually do in those cases which is chant mantras and in doing so I found out that chanting mantras is not a very good way to go back to sleep. Why ?

Because I now felt energy, lots of energy flowing through my body (and soul). I briefly considered getting up and having a turkey sandwich because turkey is supposed to contain 'L-Tripofane' or some such chemical that naturally induces sleep but since I was not hungry, I abandoned that plan.
So, I decided that I would explore the energy I was feeling. To do so was easy, just let the feelings come to me. A thought came to me - Do you truly wish to become a guru ? Are you willing to risk all you have now for the pursuit of spiritual progress ?

Granted it waa about 3 am and granted one does not think too much about 'all I have now' at three am. 'Spiritual progress' sounded much more exciting and appealing to me. A Christmas analogy might be something like this: your rich uncle Bob brings in a gift for you. It is in a huge gift wrapped box. He tells you that once you see this gift all the rest of your toys will seem dull. What do you do ? Do you look at your Wetsy Betsy doll, your Transformer action figure action set, and your Chicagopoly game and say no way am I giving these things up. I just got them. Or do you open the big box ?

Surprisingly, some kids might be afraid to open the big box and a few years ago I would have been one of them. But last night, when the big box of spiritual progress was offered to me - I opened it.

What I found inside cannot be described. But I can describe my interpretation of it. Or better yet I can describe what it meant to me. Everything I have ever dreamed about ( in the good dreams) was there and there were instructions on how to get them. Beyond that, a bunch of people stood waiting for me and one in particular showed me the form of the universe, how it works, and beyond that this person showed me an even bigger gift wrapped box. He said that there many more boxes waiting to be opened, each box containing bigger and better toys than the one before. That is the nature of spiritual progress.

I realized that learning manifestation was a cool gift but I really wanted to open the next bigger box. I also realized that like a fish who flies out of water, I had to go back to my native environment before I could move on. I had to practice my out of water breathing, I had to grow some lungs. I did not want to because like a kid I wanted to look inside the next big box but also like a kid, I realized that this toy is pretty cool too. I want to ride this bike for a while.

So I kept saying my mantras which were for growing lungs, I mean becoming a guru.

Happy Monday to you,