This is a story I wrote yesterday for writing class and today I added to it. I thought it belonged here on this blog.
“Listen,” he said, “you can hear spirit flowing.”
I, of course, could hear nothing, but that is why I was here. I wanted to learn about nature, the world, my place in the world, love, spirituality and him. I wanted to know what made him - him. He was everything I wanted to be, blissful, loving and complete within himself. Confident to the max in whatever he did, even in his mistakes. He radiated something, I will call it good vibes, that drew people in and yet he also had an aloofness to anyone and everyone. No one could be his disciple, he claimed because he was not a teacher, a savior, or a holyman.
“I am just me,” he said often, “whatever that means.”
I was here with him walking down the sidewalk of the big city, listening to cars passing, people chatting on their cell phones, and other various elements of the din around us, trying to hear the unhearable - spirit flowing. I wanted to ask him what it sounded like but I knew he would just look at me funny and say something like -- ’ it is all around you and you claim you cannot hear it. How amusing.’
“What does it sound like ?” I asked anyway letting my curiosity win out over my vanity. He looked into my face and said:
“It sounds like two seekers walking on the sidewalk of a big city listening.”
I have to admit I did not expect him to say that. Before I could ask another stupid question, he put a finger to his lips and sssshhhhed me.
“Spirit moves in everything but sometimes spirit seeks the seekers who try to listen for it.” His eyes scanned the world in front of him as if he was seeing something strange. “Something is about to happen.To us. Something big. I think we should pretend we don’t know it is coming.”
I could not help myself. I had to ask a stupid question. “How do we do that ?”
“Its easy,” he replied, “we just talk and listen to each other and pretend that we can hear or see spirit with our eyes and ears. It is with our inner eyes and ears that we can sense spirit.”
He slapped himself on the forehead as if he had just thought of something obvious. “That’s it. That is why you thought you could not hear spirit as it flowed. You were trying to do it with your ears. That is why you thought less of yourself because you thought you couldn’t do it.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s right.” I said still unsure of myself. “Um, what does spirit feel like ?”
I asked thinking ‘oh man did I just ask another stupid question. What is wrong with me ?’
“I think you are about to find.” he said and then he smiled a huge smile and hugged me. “I think I am jealous of what you are about to feel.”
I looked at him strangely. Crazy thoughts ran amok in my mind. Was he going to do something to me, some voodoo or hypnotism thing or magic spell on me ? Did I trust him ? Fear and panic began to seem into me and then I just said STOP. To myself, of course. I was ready to give myself an internal lecture on how crazy it was to think bad thoughts about him but then I realized I did not have to. I had gone quiet - my internal noise had ceased including my lecturing voice and my stop voice and my low self-esteem voice and my panic voice and my fear voice.
I was quiet. And that is when I felt something stupendous rush up to me and sweep me away in its wake.
The world I called real melted away and instead I saw strands, glowing strands, luminous amber threads, which wove into patterns and these patterns were everywhere and everything. Strangely enough some of these patterns were moving and equally strange, the threads themselves, seemed to be flowing in and out of the patterns. When one of the pattterns came near me, I knew its name was ‘dog’ and at that instance I realized I was still here on earth - I was seeing spirit flow through everything. I realized that the threads were alive, more alive than the patterns they formed. I was awestruck.
At that moment, the patterns and the threads faded and I was alone in darkness. I saw a very bright bluish white cloud and I wanted to go to that cloud. And then I was inside the cloud. I felt a tremendous loving presence all around. I had no mouth so could not talk and I had no mind so I could not think but I felt inquisitive. I felt a question come forth from me - “Are you God ?” I asked the cloud.
“No.” laughed the cloud lovingly. “I am you.”
I felt confused. ‘If I am you then how come I can’t feel this whole cloud. How can I seem to be separate from you ?”
The cloud laughed again. “The ‘you’, you feel you are is only a part of me. There is more of me than you.” I felt more confused than ever but I also felt at peace, taking in the love I felt all around me, allowing it to slake some unknown thirst - a thirst I felt in my heart. The cloud continued, “Don’t worry, it will take you time to understand what you feel now but in time you will.”
I felt a new sensation inside of myself, as if a seed of this cloud was planting itself in me. It was wonderful. I glowed. I wanted to be there - in this moment - forever. For a long time, I can not say how long, I was there in that moment, then I wondered about the real world - how my friend was doing, what he was doing, was I appearing strange to him like a frozen statue. I hoped I was not. And in that moment of wondering, I felt myself moving away from the cloud.
NO. I would not accept that. I want to be with the cloud. I want to be with the greater ME. These feelings were so strong that I found myself back in the cloud. Ahh, home again.
Still, I wonder what he is doing ?
Before I could say ‘no’ again, I was back in my body sitting on a park bench. My friend was looking at me smiling. I started to tell him what I had just experienced but he shushed me again.
“Keep quite and let it soak into your being,” he said, “then you will remember this day for the rest of your life.”
He was right. I still do. And it still makes me smile a huge smile.