Sunday, November 30, 2008

Some Seemingly Unrelated Thoughts that just came to me

On most days, this journal seems to write itself. I sit down with an idea (or at the most two) plant these idea seeds in the soil of the blog post and like a plant in a science fiction film, a theme grows instantly, sprouting flowers of wisdom and beauty (at least in my eyes), but today is different. Today I feel totally flat, almost devoid of inspiration. So I thought I would write down some thoughts as they come to me.

one - The last lesson I got (that I remember) from my invisible helpers was that healing comes from bringing back parts of the self into 'Loving Balance' a place in which the self is inherently neutral. This neutrality is loving because it regards all creation and souls as equal parts of the Great Mystery that is God in this universe. We are more than brothers and sisters, we are parts of the Ultimate Soul, (the mystery to our eyes is how we fit together - I mean Republicans and Democrats equals ha!) Lately, I have been understanding the previous paragraph which makes me wonder where did that come from ?
And that brings me to point two -
If you chant a mantra thinking it means one thing when in reality it means another, what happens ? Does your intent affect the outcome ? I don't know the answer to that one but I do know that I don't chant mantras - I just say them either silently to myself or in a whisper. One mantra, I had said for over a month dealt with finding a guru (a teacher) [or so I thought]. I found out last night that it really is an invocation to become a guru. Since I said this mantra about a year ago and have not found a guru (in the flesh) I am presuming that my intent was not enough to change the mantra intent. Would that stop me from chanting more mantras ? No way Jose !
Unrelated Point Three - Writing a novel takes time - so I have found out, especially in the hurried frenzy of the holiday season where one HAS to be in so many places in so little time. There are parties to go to and shopping to be done . . . etc. What I have found is that I like to write and because of that I make time to write simply because it is my best option in certain moments. Do I want to watch DEAL OR NO DEAL or write ? I choose writing. Do I want to read the Sunday paper or write ? Again writing wins. I found this out simply by being truthful to myself. Am I stuck in a mindless, flat routine or am I enjoying myself or experiencing something new and challenging (like say trying to make a plot that doesn't produce sleep). Granted, there are places you must go - family gatherings come to mind but even worse than that are Office parties. I find time to write because I enjoy writing. How else could I run 4 blogs, write a novel and cook and clean. Hmm...maybe there is one of those I am neglecting.

Which brings me to point four - Does anyone know the prayer or mantra for getting angels to do the housework ?
Please let me know soon if you do ?
Love and Tao,

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Listening and Noticing

One of the beauties of this season of holidays, is traditions. I myself, lead a very transient lifestyle, that is, I tend to pour myself in whatever I am doing (say reading a particular author) but a week from now I might not care at all about the very same author. Or the same food, Or the same TV show - things that I once thought I could not live without. I am a changemonger.

But traditions, such as going to grandma's house for thanksgiving, are touchpoints for me, times when I can be in a place I have been before, doing the same things I did before and in these places, these touchpoints, I can compare myself, how I am now, to how I was then, the other times I was in these places.
In the last few years, I have had too build new holiday traditions, as there is no longer a grandma's house to go to. My sister offered me a place at her table but I have refused due to many factor's none the least of which was cost (about 60 dollars and that was just gas, emotional cost was beyond what I wanted to pay). Instead, I have built a new tradition in which I get to be quiet. I let others be the lives of the party because I want to listen, to listen to myself and feel what I am feeling.
For the seemingly first time in my life, I like what I am seeing inside myself. I like who I am becoming. I like listening. In the past, I felt as if I had to put on a show, to show myself as being someone, some role, in which I was important. I had to be the guy who talked authoritatively about how bad the Bears were (the Bears are like most Chicago teams consistently ungood year in and year out, another tradtion), I had to be the one espousing opinions about this and that. Since I was with family, I felt I had to justify my existance. So as the years went on, I began to loathe family gatherings - since I had to be someone else there rather than being myself.
I, of course, see that now in hindsight. I was blind to it then.
But now I can be myself, and I can be aloof if I want to and I can be conversational if I want to.
And in listening to how I feel inside about that, I realize I love being this way. This is a small thing, I have noticed by listening to myself in these touchpoint places, these holiday traditions.

I hope you all are having a great weekend,

Friday, November 28, 2008

Little Things - Important things

I am still grateful for my journey on this earth even one day after thanking Day. I still am happy to be writing my so-called novel and part of my thankfulness comes from this fact. I am happy just writing and letting the words come out of me.
There is a part of me, though, that is curious - it wants to know how I got here - it wants a road map, directions just in case it tells me I might get off the writing track again. A sort of How To Do It Again manual. I thought that might not be a half-bad idea, so I began to back track through the events of the past few days and I came up with a curious conclusion which I'll share - I don't really know for sure how I became able to write all of a sudden.

The trail I followed leads like this:
I chanted mantras for three days about removing obstacles Before that,
I chanted a mantra called Om Namah Sivaya for a week or so. Before that,
I was curious what the mantra the author of EAT, PRAY, LOVE chanted in her book and if it would 'do something' to or for me. Before that,
I listened to this book on CDs (unabridged) and was blown away at how wonderfully the author described her experiences. I later picked up the book form of this story, you know the one you can read. The reason being, I want to see what the mantra she was saying looked like. Before that,
I was wandering through the library, searching. like I have many times before for the one book or books that will unlock the door to my writing stuckness. I went to as I have many times before the 700 to 850 section in the dewey decimal system. In that section, the is writing books, poetry books, and illustrated or graphic novels. I did pick a couple of books from that section, but as I was leaving that section I walked past the Books on Tape section which was located adjacent to the 700-800 section. I did what I normally do which is pay no attention to it. However, for some strange unexplainable reason, I saw EAT,PRAY,LOVE sitting there on the shelf and for some unexpalinable reason, I picked it up and put it on my stack of books - I can listen to this on the way to class - I thought not thinking that I once attempted to read this book before and could not get past chnapter two because I was too bored by it. Before that

The local library decided in order to make itself more appealing to the masses, to do away with the dewey decimal system. To accomplish this feat, the staff began moving books all around. Gardening and art books were moved next to Science Fiction Novels, Computer books were moved twice and are now across from Biographies. AND the 700-800 books were moved to the siberia between Books on Tape & Videos (DVDs).
At the time of these movements, I thought the library staff had gone insane.

But as it turns out, this crazy shuffling of books played a role in my journey, in my getting my blocks moved or removed SO
it just goes to show you that you never know which little thing or event is going to have an impact on your life until it does.
Love and Tao,

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thank Goodness or Show Appreciation for Christ's Sake

Having read some wonderful posts on things people are thankful for, I was in a quandary.
Do I :
do the same thing and sound like I am trying to make my list as good or better than theirs,
write about what I am going to do today,
or ignore the idea that this is turkey day, and write about what comes to my mind.

I have decided to do none of the above - simply because I am not trying to be more creative but rather because this is my Spiritual blog and Spiritual Stuff is what I put on here.

I have read in books and heard the words of wise spiritual people on the subject of Gratitude (being thankful) and here is some of the stuff I have retained:

1) Be grateful - first and foremost for the gift of life, your life
So here goes - Thank you all of you who are responsible for my being alive here in this body today.

The idea is one of those people you are thanking is yourself. It is important to appreciate the special being you are. It is a special challenge being incarnated here on earth, at least I like to think so, So give yourself an extra pat on the back for that.

2) Be grateful to all your invisible helpers (angels, guides, master teachers . . . etc) It has been my experience, that they do appreciate your thanks whenever and however you give it. Some of my helpers nearly fainted (do spirits faint) when I first began to thank them. ('Oh my God, can you believe it, he thanked us - hey Raphael, look he is thanking us - oh Glorious day, hell must be getting cold)
You might feel a pleasant tingling sensation in your body when you do this - that is your helpers appreciating your expression of gratitude.

3) Warning ! This is advanced level Thanking here - not all people are ready to do this one - So if you think I am crazy for saying this (you might be right) just skip trying to do this.

Give Thank you's to all your enemies and all the challenges (tough times), you have had and the ones you will encounter. Appreciate their efforts in being mean and cruel to you. Strangely enough, some of your worst enemies in this life might be your best friends in the afterlife. They are the ones who agree to take on the thankless role of 'bad guy' so you could learn something. (Note: I said some not all). Your challenges come so you can grow spiritually. If you get sick of the same challenge over and over again, guess what - you might not be learning your lesson.

At this point, I must put in my disclaimer. I am not really a master of the last principle. I still have buttons and still get people coming up to me and pushing them. And I still am not too happy about that. But today is a day to be grateful, so Thank You crappy people who try to wreak havoc on my life (you know who you are)). Ugh, that was tough.

Finally, I will make a few random thank you's.
Thank you to the people who invented all the technology that goes into making this blog, including spell checker. Thank you to all freinds and family. Thank you readers of this blog.

And thank God that this sermonette is over - I hope you did not get too bored.
Happy Turkey day,

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I think it worked. Thank You God

Having spent most of the day writing, I retired to bed last night and promptly decided NOT to do mantras. (maybe I'll do some this morning). My thinking process (such that it is) went like this -
1) Said mantras previous night
2) nearly stayed awake all night on previous night
3) Don't want to repeat Step 2

Therefore I associated the mantras with staying up all night. And Thus I made my decision.
Then I saw some good stuff (energy and angels and light on the top of my wife's head) and then I fell asleep for all the night and now I am awake feeling way more tired than I did at anytime yesterday. So what conclusion can I make, none - it is all part of the Great Mystery , that is what I call this life, the universe, my wife's logic, my logic, and lots of other stuff which all make up something I call God's Plan which is a Great Mystery (at least to me).

Something I did do yesterday that I had not done before was - writing with no blocks. I was able to write over 2500 words with no second thoughts, no crazymaking, no nothing. Granted I did most of the writing when being bored by filler on Dancing With the Stars (I still don't know who won but will check CNN after this post) (the things I give up for the sake of writing) [the definition of Filler : what they put on the show to fill it up - the real show choosing the winner , and dance competition takes maybe five to ten minutes]
So I want to thank God, the universe, master teachers, guides, angels, and whoever else helped remove those obstacles I had to writing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I have to get back writing to finish chapter three.
Wishing you Love and Thankfulness,

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Be careful what you wish for. . .

The routine was the same as last night - 3 mantras and the intent to learn what to do next, relax and let the universe, my higher self , guides and teachers answer back. Nice and gently.
Three hours later, and I am still getting the answers, almost word for word, each scene in the mini-story is laid out in front of me visually and the words of what the characters are saying are going through my mind, the words of how to set the scene are there too and there seems to be no end in sight for the plot. And that was only with Woman in the haunted house story. I also now know where to take the Suzy Sloan story (girl naked in the snow). That's right her name is now Sloan and she did not have any kids and they are not dead or drowned in the lagoon behind Kmart.

After three hours of Celestial dictation, I am thinking something like this - It is three AM and I am wide awake - was it that coffee I drank at Caribou ? No, I think it is this story dictation, AM I ever going to get to sleep and what will happen when the morning comes ? Will I see the morning or will I wake at one PM ?
I get up and go to the bathroom. I check my wife to see if I have woken her up but no she is sleeping soundly. I think: ' I can do that . I want to do that (sleep)' So I close my eyes and relax and . . .
See the two people who are driving out west stop at an all night cafe, and talk about their ideas for their stories. The guy is eating pancakes, the girl is having a cheeseburger with lettuce but no onions. Both are having coffee, the girl is adding milk and sugar to hers. . . .
This continues for another hour - I know this because at that point I got up and looked at the clock in the kitchen (4:15 AM it says). I go to bed and ask the guides, angels, master teachers, higher self, anybody and everybody - please help me turn this celestial channel off.
The scenes stop and yet they don't - they are all still in front of my eyes on separate screens (or windows) It is as if I have stepped back a step - there is some distance between me and them now but for some reason I look deeply at a screen and . . .
I am back in the haunted mansion story which has moved to main street and into a car.
Wait, I say, I don't want to do this anymore - I just want to go to sleep.
"Then stop looking at the screens" a gentle masculine voice says in my head, "Everytime you look into the screen you will go there. To pull yourself out of the screen, just WILL yourself out of the screen."
What he says seems to make sense to me for some reason. I try to will myself out of this scene, but a part of me wants to see what happens next - "This is a good part " it protests.
I however decide this is enough for tonight and like magic I am out of the scene back in the place where all the screens are. I then realize why these screens are so alluring to me - it is like Television from Heaven - everything I want from a TV show is right in front of me - totally interactive, controlled by some part of me, if I want to freeze frame, the action stops. If I want to change the dialogue - the character says the words I am thinking - it is the visual, sensual realm of my mind and I can make it do anything and yet these stories seem to also be independant of me. Totally addictive.
But somehow I muster the will power to say NO MORE TONIGHT
And then I am asleep (I assume because the next thing I know there is light outside) It is morning, 8AM and strangely enough I feel totally refreshed and ready to write what I have seen last night. I do not understand this but I accept it.
I will post the story of the haunted house later today (if I finish it).
Have a joyous day,

Monday, November 24, 2008

the TAO of Balance

I chanted a new mantra last night, actually two new mantras

HAM Sa (pronounced haum sah) it means I am that is. It could be a derivation of Popeye's mantra "I am what I am" but I think it might be the other way around - Popeye's came from this.

OM GUM GANAPATAYEI Nahmaha (PRONOUNCED OHM Goom Gah Nah Pah Tay Ay NAH MAH HAH) It is an invocation to Ganesha (the one who looks like an elephant with multiple arms). He (or she) is the remover of obstacles and so chanting this mantra asks for blocks (this might be a good one for us writers) to be removed or reduced in size so that we mortals can handle them.

Taken together, I intended these two mantras to say - hey, help me get back to who I am (without the baggage I have placed upon myself). Oh I also chanted the other mantra
OM Namah Shivaya, so taken together all three say:
I really want to shed the blocks that keep me from writing
(and I really want to be plain and simple me)
Please help.

The answer I got from this exercise was strange but neat (or cool or rad or phat).
Someone was talking to me in my dream explaining to me about healing. "Healing," the voice said, "is all about bringing the energy that is stuck back into balance. Energy becomes stuck when we fixate on certain emotions and experiences,( for example we worry a lot about something, perhaps not being able to pay bills or how the children are doing or whatever - and this causes us to gunk up our normally free flowing energy and eventually we worry so much that our energy gets really stuck and becomes hard (and virtually lifeless) and when that happens we get sick with big time illnesses such as ulcers and shingles. But don't worry about worrying too much because the voice explained to me how to fix it. (energy out of balance that is) .
The voice said "Balance is the natural state of the human being. All emotion contains its shadow inside of it.For example: All love has a bit of hate in it, all hate has a bit of love in it. You hate someone because you care enough (love) to want them to change. You love someone but you hate some of the things they do. Balance comes from allowing emotions to happen and then letting them go which can be done by activating their opposite emotion. It is easier to let go of the bond with a former love by thinking of all the bad stuff they did. When the letting go takes place, one should bring both emotions back to dormancy and thus balance is achieved."
The voice showed me a vision of the Tao (Yin and Yang symbol) the opposite is within the realm of each element. This visual aide made the presentation easier for me. (see figure above)

I started to wake up at that point and I was going to wake up my wife and tell her all this neat stuff, when the guide or angel or master said not so fast sonny. You have to bring yourself into balance by letting go of stuff you have hated (or strongly disliked) and I don't mean creamed spinach, I mean people or experiences.
Before I could ask what people or experiences, a parade of images marched in front of my eyes. Siblings, a really bad teacher I had, dogmatic righteous zealots etc . . . a seemingly endless parade. Surprisingly I was able to process them fast simply by recognizing that while I hated them, I also had cared about them too. By focusing in on loving them and their faults, I was able to bring my emotions back into balance, and as I did so I felt my energy getting lighter and freer so that each new person in the parade was easier to balance than the last one. I don't think I got them all since I don't remember being finished, I only remember waking up about an hour ago.

But since this dream (if real) did help me process some of my blocks, (as I have no trouble writing this other than spelling wise) I will thank the guides and angels and masters who listened to my prayer and mantra chants and helped me help myself. Much love to you.
Much love to all of you who read this blog and then say nice things - I appreciate that.
Love and Tao,

Sunday, November 23, 2008

It gets WORSE before it gets BETTER

I don't know how many times I have heard that phrase but I do know I have never liked hearing it. And Yet I say that to a large percentage of the people who i give energy healing to. Why? Because I do not want them to give up on the healing process even if they do not feel instantaneous results (which is the case sometimes). Many people do not feel results right away because they have blocks in place (resistance) to being healed. I am no exception to this.
I have been feeling under the weather (sick) since Wednesday. I thought I was getting better but yesterday I seemed to have had a relapse. Perhaps, I have blocks to my feeling better or attitudes that keep me from getting better. I prefer to think of my current situation as necessary for shedding more of the ego.
Huh, what does that mean you might be asking ? Well, according to my logic, when I get sick, I tend to sleep a lot. And when I sleep a lot, I don't do much of anything else and when I don't do anything - I allow changes inside my core being to happen. So my theory is that I got sick in order to stop myself from being in the world and this(not being affected by the world) allowed me time to change (rewire my innards).
Although I am feeling better now, I am still waiting to see it I need more time to do nothing - and that is why it took me all day to write this.
Internal rewiring is what happens when one takes in some new knowledge or wisdom that runs contrary to previously held beliefs. For example - learning that the world is round might take some rewiring.
And so you might ask what is the great piece of knowledge or wisdom that is causing me to be rewired (and needing rest) ? Unfortunately, I don't quite know right now - my best guess is that I am learning about connectedness and how we all are pieces of the Great Mystery of God - that we all need each other and we all benefit from each others progress. I have seen that in the writing class I teach - when someone makes a new step whether that step being able to write and share or being able to get past the blocks of the past - I feel better. Not because I am teaching them this but because they are showing me how to grow by their example. I am always encouraged by this.
So I truly hope that you all (esp. you Diane) can write a novel by Xmas. If you do, you will be making me feel better and you will be showing all (especially yourself) that it can be done.
That would be my Xmas wish - give me a copy of your novel.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Scary Dreams and Green BREAD

Don't eat green bread, it might do nothing good for you and it might not be green because of penicillin. And it might cause you to have crazy dreams like the one I had last night. I dreamed that my mother, one or two of my sisters and my wife were all in a lovely house (mansion) together. They walked down a lovely staircase with iron wrought railings and marble steps and they were all dressed in white gowns, not togas but dresses but not quite bridal gowns. A song started playing in the background - "First time I ever saw your face" by Roberta Flack. I knew the song was meant for me and I knew the song was honoring me for some reason. I wondered why and then the scene changed, to a surreal landscape with white pavement and white railroad tracks. A train was coming in the distance and because the tracks seem to wind all over the place, I could see it up close and yet not be in any danger. My mother (still in her white gown) was wandering around the tracks. oblivious to any danger, somewhat like a Tennessee Williams heroine. The other women still dressed in white were there too but only I did something. I went and pushed my mother down before she crossed the tracks just as the train came past. Then I wandered a bit and saw another stretch of tracks and I was nearly doing the same thing, wandering on the tracks with the train coming. I jumped out of the way just in the nick of time.
Then the dream ended, I woke up and felt an immense buzzing in my ears and huge (stronger than I have ever felt) pressure on the top of my head - super massive migraine pain also.
  At this point I asked for help, in the form of endorphins (which the higher self can give if a transmission is too strong and yes this transmission was too strong). Within moments, the headache went away but the memory of the dream still lingers.
So a couple of questions remain - first what does this ll mean ? and also did I eat the green bread intentionally so that I could have this dream (or be open to the message that I was receiving) ?
Either way I have to do my daily stuff and errands now so until tomorrow.
Keep dreaming,

Friday, November 21, 2008

Connectiions, Connectivity or Just Plain Reaching Out

Today's sermonette features a simple little lesson called "I didn't know that, but I do now." Or it could be called how I decided to stop suffering and listen and ask for help.
One of my lessons to be learned in this lifetime is to listen to people and learn and be connected with people and share And I know I said this was one lesson and HERE NOW in this space I will admit I was wrong but the lesson I started out to write about was Spiritual Significance and the dangers thereof.
I apologize for rambling but that is how mind is working this morning. The last few days I have been mentioning a mantra I was meditating with (OM Namah . . .) and my friend and novel writing buddy Diane said "I googled that mantra and I found out what it means." and I thought at the time "Wow, I did not know that Mantras would be on the internet". So last night I googled "healing mantras" not because I wanted to see for myself but because I was feverish and I wanted to see if there were some magic words that might help because my usual measures of Vitamin C, ginseng, zinc and herbal tea were not working fast enough. My wife offered me some candy and I asked what that would do and she said "Doctors give sugar pills all the time and call them placebos. And if the people believe these pills are going to work most times they do work."
And it might have worked except she told me up front that they were candy.
But the idea of a placebo is what turned me toward the internet - I was trying to type in my novel but I could not focus enough on it so I played with google and the pages that came up. Turns out that the pages that came up all either were by or cited the same guy who I have read books about mantras by (Thomas Ashley-Farrand). These pages explained mantras, showed them and gave the gist of what they might do. At that point, I discovered another mantra which might be better for removing obstacles.
But also at that point I had had enough with trying to write and decided to go to bed. (and also it was bedtime).
In bed I discovered that I was still feeling icky, so I decided to not do anything - no mantras, no breathing consciously, no nothing. But I could not fall asleep, so I decided to meditate without mantras and when that did not work I decided to try an old standby technique - ask the angels for help. I did and they did and I fell alseep and my fever is gone and I feel much better.
But before they did help, they said a couple of things in my mind - 1) What took you so long to ask us ? and 2) Don't forget to ask us help any and evertime.
So today, I will be humble and admit that I can't do it all amd I will ask them to write my Xmas novel.
OM OM Om . . .
They said No.
So I guess I am back to writing myself but I am open to any novel writing mantras, you might find.
Tao everybody,

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Nothing of Silence

You might expect to find nothing in silence but if you are like me, you would be wrong.
I have attempted to meditate every night for the past week or so, only to find the  silence of the mind can be very dramatic. I guess this is the point where I could use a guru (or somebody who knows about meditating in the silence of the mind(ego)), someone who could say "that is a distraction only and don't take this stuff seriously." Actually, I have read the previous advice in books but without an actual person to verify if this is what they meant, I guess I will have to believe that what I have seen is what these book gurus meant.
Now you might be wondering what it is that I have seen and I will tell you in one word - indescribable. But I will try to capture what happens:

I get my body to relax. I say my mantra 108 times plus one (this represents the 108 energy gates in the human body, the plus one for the total sum of the body)(energy gates are called chakras).
I get my mind to stop talking and then:
things happen - such as people walk into my minds eye, say hello, looking good or some such thing and walk out. Sometimes I don't know these people, sometimes I do.
I might find myself in a strange location, a desert or a forest.
I might 'see' energy flowing all around the room including into me.
I might hear an intense buzzing in my ears or feel a big pressure on the top of my head.

All of these things have one thing in common - if I pursue them, and most times it is hard not to, I will fall out of the silence but not right away. For instance, if I find myself in a forest, I might be able to walk a step or two and maybe touch a tree, then POP - I am back in my body, lying on the bed. And I realize I have to start over relaxing myself again.
But the end result is something I have been seeking and that is to write without blocks showing up to stop me. And that is why I am able to write this piece everyday and write my novel before Xmas. Tao, Frank

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Kundilini or Bust

I have been attempting to access Kundalini Shakti energy the last few nights. In yoga, this is the energy that lies dormant at the base of your spine. If you can get it to flow up your spine, through your chakras, and out the top of your head, you will feel the burning wondrous union with God and also bliss.
I have not been successful yet but I am not really trying either. It just seems that when I was saying my new mantra 'OM Namah Shivaya' the last few nights, the Kundalini energy began moving upward. Two nights ago it reached my heart chakra level and last night, it reached my third eye chakra level. It might just be a distraction used by my ego to stop saying this mantra but for now I am waiting to see what happens.
By the way, this particular mantra is used to reduce the size of one's ego. Initially, or when you begin to use it, you might find great resistance to it, and maybe just maybe this resistance comes from the ego which fears any reduction in its size.
I am not an expert by any means on these subjects, just an experimenter who wants to get rid of ego blocks so I can write more and better.
Tao everybody,

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Death of the Ego (or not)

I have been practicing using a mantra lately whose purpose is to re-edit the role of the ego. The ego cannot be removed without death which means you are stuck with your ego as long as you are alive.
If your are unsure if you are alive (as I am sometimes when I wake up), just look for your ego. It is that dog/cat/pet/companion that won't go away. It is the part of you that tells you to 'be' a certain way. My own ego was too large, tried to do everything and anything so I decided I should downsize it. MR. Bigshot as he likes to be called, thought I was trying to get rid of him and of course protested. He protests in various ways but last night he protested by trying to depress and scare me. This strategy did not work by it did make me more determined to chant my mantra. And then a miracle happened. We compromised.
I explained to him that he could have more time to relax and because my ego is not active I have less obstacles in my way to getting things done. It is a win-win situation. We both were happy and celebrated by going to sleep Which led to some interesting dreams - but that is another post.

Monday, November 17, 2008

My spiritual journey has taken some strange paths. . .

In the middle of the night, I wake up. I am startled by the experience I have just had. I think this a good thing. My experience goes like this: I am in a state of non-sleep but I am not awake either - I am feeling down, hopeless and I say "I give up. I quit. I am done." In my mind. But somehow, the universe is listening and responds. I feel a tug in my gut area, as if something is breaking loose and without warning, something flies out of me. I cry. I didn't mean it I say, I don't want to die but my words are useless. Except I did not die and I am not any different. But I know I felt something happen.
I wonder if this feeling was the death of my ego. I know that is not possible but I feel as if I am less that I was before and yet I also feel as if I am more than I was before. I am hoping I have less ego, not because I don't like my ego but because I want to be closer to God. I want to feel the presence of Divine Love (all the time). I don't feel that now and I am bummed about it.
There are two burning questions I have right now: What and When. What is happening to me and When will it stop ?
Lately, I have been chanting a mantra, I found in a book it means - I am what I am. This mantra has caused to me to look at myself and to discard some aspects of me that are not me (they are aspects that of an image I feel I am and yet they are an illusion because they are based on things my ego thinks I should be.
The latest thing I had to let go of is my victim or less than normal ideation of myself. I think that things 'happen to me' or that people are 'doing things to get at me' but that is not true. People are doing things (mostly trying to stay the same) not to me but as a way to control their worlds.
An example - a woman wants me to set up my show table in the same place as last year. I want to be in a different place because last year I did not use this space and this year the space is too cramped for my tastes. I scan the room and find a better place on the opposite wall. There are no people there eating which was my objection from the start but there is another reason I like it and that has to do with the power outlet.
Initially, this woman sees my display and does not like it but she is willing to work with me and move it away from blocking the doorway. Surprisingly, no one knocks it over or bumps into it - other than myself. (in other words, the compromise works and we both get what we want (and my ego has to admit that she was not picking on me. I guess that is my lesson for today.