In the middle of the night, I wake up. I am startled by the experience I have just had. I think this a good thing. My experience goes like this: I am in a state of non-sleep but I am not awake either - I am feeling down, hopeless and I say "I give up. I quit. I am done." In my mind. But somehow, the universe is listening and responds. I feel a tug in my gut area, as if something is breaking loose and without warning, something flies out of me. I cry. I didn't mean it I say, I don't want to die but my words are useless. Except I did not die and I am not any different. But I know I felt something happen.
I wonder if this feeling was the death of my ego. I know that is not possible but I feel as if I am less that I was before and yet I also feel as if I am more than I was before. I am hoping I have less ego, not because I don't like my ego but because I want to be closer to God. I want to feel the presence of Divine Love (all the time). I don't feel that now and I am bummed about it.
There are two burning questions I have right now: What and When. What is happening to me and When will it stop ?
Lately, I have been chanting a mantra, I found in a book it means - I am what I am. This mantra has caused to me to look at myself and to discard some aspects of me that are not me (they are aspects that of an image I feel I am and yet they are an illusion because they are based on things my ego thinks I should be.
The latest thing I had to let go of is my victim or less than normal ideation of myself. I think that things 'happen to me' or that people are 'doing things to get at me' but that is not true. People are doing things (mostly trying to stay the same) not to me but as a way to control their worlds.
An example - a woman wants me to set up my show table in the same place as last year. I want to be in a different place because last year I did not use this space and this year the space is too cramped for my tastes. I scan the room and find a better place on the opposite wall. There are no people there eating which was my objection from the start but there is another reason I like it and that has to do with the power outlet.
Initially, this woman sees my display and does not like it but she is willing to work with me and move it away from blocking the doorway. Surprisingly, no one knocks it over or bumps into it - other than myself. (in other words, the compromise works and we both get what we want (and my ego has to admit that she was not picking on me. I guess that is my lesson for today.