Saturday, November 29, 2008

Listening and Noticing

One of the beauties of this season of holidays, is traditions. I myself, lead a very transient lifestyle, that is, I tend to pour myself in whatever I am doing (say reading a particular author) but a week from now I might not care at all about the very same author. Or the same food, Or the same TV show - things that I once thought I could not live without. I am a changemonger.

But traditions, such as going to grandma's house for thanksgiving, are touchpoints for me, times when I can be in a place I have been before, doing the same things I did before and in these places, these touchpoints, I can compare myself, how I am now, to how I was then, the other times I was in these places.
In the last few years, I have had too build new holiday traditions, as there is no longer a grandma's house to go to. My sister offered me a place at her table but I have refused due to many factor's none the least of which was cost (about 60 dollars and that was just gas, emotional cost was beyond what I wanted to pay). Instead, I have built a new tradition in which I get to be quiet. I let others be the lives of the party because I want to listen, to listen to myself and feel what I am feeling.
For the seemingly first time in my life, I like what I am seeing inside myself. I like who I am becoming. I like listening. In the past, I felt as if I had to put on a show, to show myself as being someone, some role, in which I was important. I had to be the guy who talked authoritatively about how bad the Bears were (the Bears are like most Chicago teams consistently ungood year in and year out, another tradtion), I had to be the one espousing opinions about this and that. Since I was with family, I felt I had to justify my existance. So as the years went on, I began to loathe family gatherings - since I had to be someone else there rather than being myself.
I, of course, see that now in hindsight. I was blind to it then.
But now I can be myself, and I can be aloof if I want to and I can be conversational if I want to.
And in listening to how I feel inside about that, I realize I love being this way. This is a small thing, I have noticed by listening to myself in these touchpoint places, these holiday traditions.

I hope you all are having a great weekend,


butterfly woman said...

What a heartfelt story. The markers or touchpoints as you say (like holidays) that show how we progress or change on our journey. I don't know if we get used to not being with family over the years or what. I am in a similar boat like you which I think has been good for both of us. I notice you seem more comfortable in your skin and more content to be side by side with the world. I like to listen to you. I take in what feels good to me and the rest, flies in the wind. Just your presence is enough for me, no woods necessary. You talk about listening, hm, a lead-in to our next writing assignment about listening.

butterfly woman said...

Meant to say no words necessary, not no woods necessary. But maybe woods fits here as well. I do not have to run away from you into the woods to get the quiet, you are becoming more like the quiet woods yourself.
Bev again.
Only correcting my words here because after all you are the TaoMaster.

Soulsearcher said...

I'm glad that you are comfortable with yourself. Authenticity is something that I continually strive for and it sounds like you are becoming very authentically your true self.